Daydreams and Ideals
Had dinner (me) and drinks (all three) with a couple of friends tonight. As an initiative for a slow night, we started talking about what we did during the day. One of us had a relatively worse day than the others. As we were advising her, the conversation smoothly shifted to ideals. I had the audacity to give advice about ideals to them. When I listened to them, mine sounded more like daydreams and less like ideals. 'You have to prioritise the easiest one to achieve' says the man who has no clue about which ideal of his should come first. I am the farthest from mine. I haven't even done an MA yet, let alone compulsory national service. It is not my ideal to do either a national service or an MA. National service needs to be done, otherwise you achieve the well respected rank of fugitive, and an MA is necessary for an architect to be able to start his own business. I guess it's much easier to give advice to people who have a direction in life. If they were to give me advice they wouldn't succeed. How do you advise a guy who hasn't chosen a direction to move in yet. I need to clear my head and decide, but clearing my head is the difficult part with my living conditions. I want to move out of my parents' house because they're driving me insane. Insane propa govna. I can't control my anger when they drive me nuts anymore, because its getting more and more frequent and poisonous. I want my own flat, my own car, and basically, my own life. There. Isn't that an ideal with its feet on the ground guys? And about my hyper-real ideals, can I really be expected not to daydream my way out of this nuthouse and soar towards my head in the clouds ideals when the going gets rough? I even dreamt about getting abducted by aliens. Anal probing sounds better than living here for another year, and it hasn't even been a full year yet. Sometimes it feels as if I'm not ever going to do it. I'll never pack my bags and leave. Then I close my eyes for a while, and I'm already away. In my own place. It's not big or fancy, but it feels more like home than anywhere else. I haven't paid much attention to the furniture. Choices have been made between the cheap, the durable, and the mildly stylish. House warming gifts from friends are everywhere of course ;-) It's quite amazing, I can sustain that daydream long enough to make me feel a bit better, like all is not lost and when you hit rock bottom emotionally, the only direction you can go is up. Then I wait for the up, and most of the time it never comes. It never will, unless I make it myself. This is the problem with me. I got used to depending on other people for everything. Problems of the spoiled brat of an only child. Bla bla bla... I have always been dependent on the mood of my home for the sustainance of my own good spirits. This I can't change, so I have to move out. I don't usually discuss my problems with my friends. If a problem can't be solved by the people involved in it, it's a hopeless case. Despite this they're more helpful than they think most of the time. I'm more comfortable around them than I am at home. Over and out for the time being.
posted by positronic @ 12:51 PM
3 comments
