Why Three is a F@&king Crowd

Imagine having lunch with your friends out in the coolness of a sunny February afternoon, and really enjoying the conversation, the company, the fine weather, and the fine food. Nothing can go wrong right? Think again. As soon as you're back home, you find your garden invaded by an army of clueless gardeners, only one was called for to do the rose trees but he brought company to invent things that don't need doing in order to get multiple wages, your father, who has the day off and isn't particularly interested in the garden, hoovering the whole house with a vacuum cleaner with a setting none other than 'so loud that can't hear yourself think', and your mother going nuts in the middle of everything. Start at the beginning shall we? The feel-good afternoon ruined yet???!!!

You share a house with your parents, who are glad to have you living with them after several years of not doing so. You are confronted several times by the rant 'Why do you never sit with us in the living room anymore?' The answer is simple: 'Because I'm allergic to cats, you know this yet you have several in the house, especially the living room. I can't stand the smell of cigarettes yet you smoke a tonne a day each, especially in the living room'. Add to this being used as a referee in their non-frequent yet soul-destroyingly violent eruptions of anger toward one another, and being criticised for wanting to avoid the job altogether, or for not wanting to take sides. I know what you're thinking 'It's their house. They are entitled to do whatever they want in it. Grow up and get your own.' I agree with you. That's just my plan. But All this leaves me so aggravated that I want to put this plan into action like a late Roger Moore era James Bond criminal mastermind would. I want to move out and make use of a frikking laser beam from space whilst doing it and evil-laugh all the way. Muhuhahahahahahahahahaha!!!